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Setting up casual relationships


Staff member
Sep 6, 2019
QUESTION from a student:
I've read Blackdragon extensively, and he basically argues for these cardinal rules:
1. Only see her once a week
2. Don't initiate contact often
3. Always make her cum when you have sex
4. Don't lie
5. Never talk about the relationship (for at least 3-6 months, then you finally have a "Talk" when she no longer lets you dodge the topic, where you explain that you really like, but you don't do monogamy, so you'll understand if she can't accept that)
6. Show "evidence" but not "proof" that you're seeing other women (evidence being things like wine glasses with lipstick on them, women's hair in your bathroom, etc.)

I have not read any of the ‘blackdragon’ content, but his rules are generally things I would agree with.
Whenever we create rules we need to understand the principles and goals behind them. Once we do then you can bend them at will and set your own set of standards and boundaries on the interaction/relationship

You first need to identify what you are after and what you want your life to look like.

I would add, even if you want something more serious its important to keep it casual and not invest too much of yourself UNTIL you truly get to know her. I see too many guys falling for a girl after one night when they know very little about her.

In every interaction, I set a very similar frame from the start.

“I used to have a lot of shallow, quick, pointless sex when I was younger. But now I'm too old for shitty sex. I’m only going to take someone home and sleep with them if I really like them and have some sort of connection first.
Right now, if you were to take all your clothes and try to jump on me, I would say NO. Don’t get me wrong, I really like you. *insert specific qualification here*.

However, I just don’t know you well enough yet. For sex to be amazing you must be willing to be open with the other person. I see so many people having sex with each other, yet they find it too awkward to even talk about it. They are literally willing to have a dick inside them but when they hear the word sex, they get shy and think its weird to talk about.

So, for me, I need to build that openness first. I mean sometimes that might take 5 dates, but to be honest, for the most part, it's much quicker than that. I usually get to know people pretty quick. Instead of having very shallow conversations as you would usually have. Like “how old are you?” “what do you do for work?” “what’s your favourite colour?”. I get to know people a lot quicker than that. Even with you know I know *insert some cold reads and what you know about her (I usually keep it sexual e.g. she likes dominant guys). So, for the most part, it only takes me one night until I decide whether I like someone or not. But, I'm sorry, I just don’t know you well enough yet. “

This completely steals the frame.

Sometimes she even argues the fact that you would fuck her right now. The interaction begins to look like you are turning her down for sex while she’s chasing.
It is very believable and genuine because you don’t talk about emotional connectedness but the physical pleasure which is a lot harder for the girl to shit test you on.

The other routine I use:
“I’m too old to settle for just anyone. I was in a five year relationship before and I'm not going to waste my time on someone I don’t know. If I just met a girl, I can’t decide to be exclusive with her without knowing everything about her. I take things as they come. If I meet someone and we are attracted and get along we usually sleep together, and I will want to see her again. But, it’s a big step for me to decide she is the one for me. I’m not going to become exclusive unless I can be sure of that”

This sets the frame that you won't just ditch her after the first night, but you also won’t be setting the relationship/exclusive standard either.

Of course, each interaction is a little different. Sometimes the circumstances set the frame for you. E.g. she is in town for one night. Or she sets the frame that it is very casual.

You just don’t want her to get the wrong idea. I generally calibrate to how she perceives the interaction. If I have a girl that starts setting a relationship frame, I will quickly mention the open relationships I have etc.

I do however see these rules as only guidelines. I have had girls that had a very casual frame set. We essentially just had amazing sex and we saw each other 3 nights in a row. But it was clearly just for sex. You could see someone once a month but, in that time, if you just talk about spending your life together then the time of dates per weeks is irrelevant.
I have also had girls I’ve been in an open relationship that has met my family or gone on holidays with me. It’s just important they know I'm seeing other girls and accept that

Alter the frame as you go to have the relationship look like what you want. You can do this by the amount you invest (text, dates, what type of date)
Storytelling (other relationships, interactions with girls)

Student QUESTION 2 - how to make girls chase. Feel free to ask follow up questions on this post.

"How to create investment from a girl so is the one asking questions, chasing and wants to meet"

You may not be able to get to this point with every girl. Especially girls who are very conscious about the entire concept of chasing. They will restrain themselves from chasing. Which in a way is even more effective than them actually chasing. But it's important to keep in mind. An example of this are when girls don't explicitly bite on your open loops, but you can tell that they're holding themselves back from asking.

In fact, chasing can be so subtle that I don't even think it makes sense to think about it in that term.
A much more practical way to think about it is making her qualify, rather than making her chase.
How do you make her qualify? Ask her a question or create a situation that gives her an opportunity to brag/DHV herself.
Simple. But not necessarily easy.

A lot of confusion lies in "how do I reward her qualifying without giving away all the power/overvalidating her? How much do I reward?"

Here’s the trick: you want to reward her qualifying to encourage further qualification. But you only want to reward her in proportion to the effort she put into her response.

For example, if you ask a question like “Do you know how to cook?”, she could qualify to different degrees.

1. “Yes”
2. “Omg yes i know how to cook you would absolutely love to eat my food”

1 could be rewarded with something very small and simple. “What’s your best dish?”
“What’s your best dish?” will make her qualify one step further. And the fact that you're asking another question/showing attention is enough of a reward at this stage. It needs to be proportional to the effort she puts in.
You would reward 2 more “That’s amazing! If I found a girl that knew how to cook I’d marry her right away!”
“If I found a girl that knew how to cook I’d marry her right away!” is also going to encourage her to qualify further. But you can see that there’s a clear difference in the proportion that the two different responses are being rewarded.

The most common mistake I see when it comes to making girls chase are these:
They don’t make the girl qualify at all.
They haven’t built enough value yet, so she simply has zero incentive to put in the effort of qualifying herself. I really can’t stress this part enough.
They over-reward the qualification or accidentally punish it.
They try to make her qualify on traits that are negative to her self-image. She’s far more likely to qualify if it’s something that is positively affecting her self-image (open minded, adventurous, fun, etc). Conversely, she’s also far more likely to go against frames that affect her self-image in a negative way (being shy, awkward, inexperienced, nervous etc)

You don't need her to chase more than this! You want to make her chase to the point to where she is complying to sexualization. Any more than that isn’t necessary. Helpful, but not necessary. You want to make her invest as much into the sexual frame as possible after this.
Remember, the end goal isn’t to make her chase. The end goal is to eventually close.
And to the second part of your question - how to make her go for the close
Don’t go for it yourself - this is the most important part. If you run a really good interaction without going for the close, she’s almost always going to do it herself. Because she wants to obtain the value, and she is now emotionally invested in the interaction.
Do what I explained earlier - display value and make her qualify
Have her invest a lot into the sexual frame
Bait her to go for the date